1 00:00:44,240 --> 00:00:45,240 Thank you. 2 00:00:45,460 --> 00:00:46,460 Thank you. 3 00:00:46,920 --> 00:00:48,460 Thank you. Let's stop. Thank you. 4 00:00:50,700 --> 00:00:52,700 Well, I must say you've had a wonderful audience. 5 00:00:54,180 --> 00:00:55,820 And I'd like to finish now with a little song. 6 00:01:00,580 --> 00:01:02,780 I can always tell what audience is going to be good or bad. 7 00:01:03,280 --> 00:01:04,280 Good night. 8 00:01:30,560 --> 00:01:31,920 Well, pull it, pull it. 9 00:02:00,720 --> 00:02:01,720 I've risen. 10 00:02:02,120 --> 00:02:06,300 I didn't make it alone. 11 00:02:08,139 --> 00:02:09,139 Look, see that glove? 12 00:02:10,180 --> 00:02:11,180 Check it out. 13 00:02:36,910 --> 00:02:37,910 Day 20 to 1. 14 00:02:38,010 --> 00:02:39,010 It's going to be 20 past 4. 15 00:02:44,710 --> 00:02:47,130 He was so late coming in, he had a tiptoe back to the stable. 16 00:02:51,030 --> 00:02:52,910 And the jockey kept hitting him like that with the whip. 17 00:02:53,930 --> 00:02:55,090 Not like that, like that. 18 00:02:56,710 --> 00:02:57,710 Like that. 19 00:03:01,430 --> 00:03:02,830 And the horse said, what are you doing that for? 20 00:03:04,230 --> 00:03:05,230 There's nobody behind us. 21 00:03:12,970 --> 00:03:13,970 a greyhound about a month ago. 22 00:03:14,970 --> 00:03:16,950 A friend of mine said, what are you going to do with it? I said, I'm going 23 00:03:16,950 --> 00:03:17,948 erase it. 24 00:03:17,950 --> 00:03:19,270 He said, by the look of it, I think you've beat it. 25 00:03:26,510 --> 00:03:29,130 I was in Margate last summer for the summer season. 26 00:03:30,190 --> 00:03:32,310 A friend of mine said, you want to go to Margate, it's good for rheumatism. 27 00:03:32,750 --> 00:03:33,750 So I did and I got it. 28 00:03:42,220 --> 00:03:43,740 The chair was packed, so I went to this big boarding house. 29 00:03:44,420 --> 00:03:46,500 And I knocked on the door of the landlady, put her hand up to the window, 30 00:03:46,500 --> 00:03:48,080 she said, what do you want? I said, I want to stay here. She said, well, stay 31 00:03:48,080 --> 00:03:49,080 here, then shut the window. 32 00:03:53,920 --> 00:03:57,660 And while I was there, I bought one of these skin diving outfits. Let me show 33 00:03:57,660 --> 00:03:58,660 you, like a frogman suit. 34 00:03:59,200 --> 00:04:03,900 Bought the whole thing, you know, clothes, big flippers, tag on the back. 35 00:04:04,940 --> 00:04:06,900 And I had a photograph taken like that and like that. 36 00:04:09,000 --> 00:04:10,200 Well, you never know, do you? You never know. 37 00:04:11,850 --> 00:04:14,150 And I went to the bay and I jumped in, because you're not supposed to dive, 38 00:04:14,150 --> 00:04:15,150 dangerous. 39 00:04:15,490 --> 00:04:16,930 And I jumped in like that. 40 00:04:17,970 --> 00:04:20,050 And I think I turned a little bit all the way down. 41 00:04:23,990 --> 00:04:26,170 And I went down to my 135th finger. 42 00:04:27,770 --> 00:04:28,950 It was lovely, very quiet. 43 00:04:31,010 --> 00:04:32,090 And I'm going along like that. 44 00:04:35,830 --> 00:04:36,890 I've got my instructions here. 45 00:04:48,140 --> 00:04:49,140 and I'll start to do that like that. 46 00:04:52,040 --> 00:04:54,980 And the feet are going like that. 47 00:04:56,460 --> 00:04:57,580 Not in the front, in the back. 48 00:05:00,180 --> 00:05:01,180 And I'm good. 49 00:05:02,160 --> 00:05:03,640 And I don't care now, you know what I mean? 50 00:05:06,380 --> 00:05:07,380 I'm all over the place. 51 00:05:09,500 --> 00:05:10,780 The goggles are getting all misty. 52 00:05:11,760 --> 00:05:12,980 And I'm humming to myself. 53 00:05:21,130 --> 00:05:22,610 and I saw a man walking towards me. 54 00:05:25,710 --> 00:05:27,130 In a sports jacket, grey flannel. 55 00:05:30,190 --> 00:05:31,790 I thought, that's unusual for a Thursday. 56 00:05:34,810 --> 00:05:41,210 So I went towards him and I got right up to him and I took this pad out and I 57 00:05:41,210 --> 00:05:42,270 wrote, what are you doing down here? 58 00:05:43,510 --> 00:05:45,330 Walking about in a sports jacket, grey flannel. 59 00:05:46,350 --> 00:05:48,970 And he took this pad from me and he wrote on there, I'm drowning. 60 00:06:02,039 --> 00:06:04,580 I was cleaning up the attic last week with the wife. 61 00:06:06,060 --> 00:06:07,440 Filthy, dirty, covered in cobwebs. 62 00:06:08,040 --> 00:06:09,060 But she's good to the kids. 63 00:06:15,780 --> 00:06:17,260 And I found this old violin. 64 00:06:19,260 --> 00:06:20,360 This old violin. 65 00:06:21,880 --> 00:06:23,300 And it's painted, all painted. 66 00:06:24,300 --> 00:06:26,960 So I took him to an expert. 67 00:06:27,420 --> 00:06:29,800 And he said to me, what have you got there? He said, you've got a 68 00:06:30,700 --> 00:06:31,700 And the Rembrandt. 69 00:06:33,060 --> 00:06:33,780 Unfortunately... 70 00:06:33,780 --> 00:06:40,880 Stradivarius 71 00:06:40,880 --> 00:06:42,420 was a terrible painter. 72 00:06:46,860 --> 00:06:49,580 And Redbark made rotten violin. 73 00:06:57,900 --> 00:07:01,820 Ladies and gentlemen, welcome once again to Fez to Fez, in which this week we 74 00:07:01,820 --> 00:07:06,740 probe Tommy's mind on the subject of animals. Does he like animals? Does he 75 00:07:06,740 --> 00:07:10,100 support the movement for the preservation of endangered species? 76 00:07:10,860 --> 00:07:15,980 Does he believe in performing animals? Does he believe in pets, both ordinary 77 00:07:15,980 --> 00:07:16,980 and bizarre? 78 00:07:17,020 --> 00:07:20,540 Does he believe that animals... Excuse me. 79 00:07:21,200 --> 00:07:23,560 If you ask me the questions, I'll just give you the answers. 80 00:07:24,780 --> 00:07:26,980 There's no good ask from the camera. The camera doesn't know, does it? 81 00:07:27,520 --> 00:07:30,080 Look, I'm sorry, Tommy, but, you know, I'm trying to set up the interview. 82 00:07:30,320 --> 00:07:32,800 Yeah, but the camera doesn't know the answer. You don't know the answer, do 83 00:07:33,580 --> 00:07:36,360 No. So why talk to the camera? That's fair, isn't it? 84 00:07:36,600 --> 00:07:38,220 No. Yes, you're quite right. 85 00:07:38,500 --> 00:07:41,000 I'll ask you the first... I mean, how can the camera tell you what the answer 86 00:07:41,000 --> 00:07:42,100 is? I can't tell you. No. 87 00:07:43,100 --> 00:07:47,140 I'll ask you the first viewer's question here, which is, do you like animals? 88 00:07:48,480 --> 00:07:49,540 Do I like animals? 89 00:07:51,240 --> 00:07:52,600 Yeah, well, why animals? 90 00:07:53,080 --> 00:07:55,540 Well, you see, the thing is, I have this rather... 91 00:07:56,880 --> 00:07:59,260 It's a rather funny story that I wanted to tell. 92 00:08:03,680 --> 00:08:05,100 He's laughing. He knows the story. 93 00:08:06,700 --> 00:08:10,100 It's a very good story. I must tell you, you'll like this story. This story is 94 00:08:10,100 --> 00:08:11,120 about an old man, you see. 95 00:08:11,380 --> 00:08:15,000 And he said to his wife, he said, did you know that there's a snail on the 96 00:08:15,000 --> 00:08:19,600 porch? And she said, did you kill it? And he said, no, it got away. 97 00:08:23,800 --> 00:08:25,100 Well, you don't have to finish it now. 98 00:08:29,179 --> 00:08:30,940 Well, actually... No, finish it later. Finish it later. 99 00:08:31,460 --> 00:08:33,039 Actually, that is the finish. 100 00:08:34,280 --> 00:08:36,440 Did you kill it? No, it got away. Oh, it's not bad, is it? 101 00:08:38,220 --> 00:08:40,760 Did you kill it? No, it got away. Oh, there it is. 102 00:08:41,480 --> 00:08:43,159 It's good, isn't it? Oh, there it is. Yes. 103 00:08:44,179 --> 00:08:47,620 Did you kill it? No, it got away. I thought you'd like that. What we'd 104 00:08:47,620 --> 00:08:51,240 like to know, Tommy, is do you like animals? What do you think, for example, 105 00:08:51,240 --> 00:08:52,240 about dogs? 106 00:08:53,680 --> 00:08:54,680 Dogs? Yes. 107 00:08:54,800 --> 00:08:56,000 No, I think the snail's funnier. 108 00:08:58,480 --> 00:08:59,780 That is funny, isn't it? 109 00:09:00,400 --> 00:09:03,880 The more I think of it, I don't really... Did it kill it? No, it got 110 00:09:08,300 --> 00:09:10,980 No, the dog's no... Forget the dog, forget the dog. 111 00:09:11,720 --> 00:09:14,400 If you don't... If you cut the old man out, cut him out, cut him out. Oh. 112 00:09:14,640 --> 00:09:16,740 But keep the snail in. Yes, keep the snail in. 113 00:09:17,280 --> 00:09:20,160 You see, you don't really understand what I'm getting at. What I'm getting at 114 00:09:20,160 --> 00:09:22,280 is, what is your attitude towards pets? 115 00:09:22,480 --> 00:09:24,320 I mean, notably cat and dog. 116 00:09:26,000 --> 00:09:30,140 There was this lady, see, this lady, his wife had a cat. Yes. 117 00:09:30,360 --> 00:09:36,380 See? And she cooked a nice big meat pie and gave it to her husband to take to 118 00:09:36,380 --> 00:09:37,239 the office. 119 00:09:37,240 --> 00:09:38,240 Yes. 120 00:09:38,500 --> 00:09:44,500 And... You're thinking about the snail again, aren't you? 121 00:09:45,860 --> 00:09:47,400 Oh, you've got to wait. I know you can't. 122 00:09:48,820 --> 00:09:50,180 I'm like that. Oh, 123 00:09:52,800 --> 00:09:57,530 yes. So, this wife... This wife made this big pie, see? 124 00:09:57,990 --> 00:10:00,550 Came to her husband to take to the office. 125 00:10:01,210 --> 00:10:02,930 And there was a little piece left over. 126 00:10:03,370 --> 00:10:05,490 Oh, I know this one. This is a funny one. 127 00:10:05,750 --> 00:10:07,910 This is a good story. 128 00:10:08,430 --> 00:10:09,430 No, no. 129 00:10:10,810 --> 00:10:11,830 Who's telling the story? 130 00:10:12,970 --> 00:10:15,690 I didn't interrupt you, did I? No, that's fine. I mean, the snail. 131 00:10:15,910 --> 00:10:18,150 Yes, it's fine. That's funny. I must admit, it is. 132 00:10:19,710 --> 00:10:20,709 It's fine. 133 00:10:20,710 --> 00:10:23,150 I mean, the one I'm telling now is semi -jolly. It's all right. 134 00:10:27,920 --> 00:10:33,480 So, she gave this cat some of this pie, you see, and he went out, and he came 135 00:10:33,480 --> 00:10:34,480 back half an hour later. 136 00:10:34,600 --> 00:10:37,620 You know what I mean? He didn't have to. He just thought, I'll come back. 137 00:10:39,000 --> 00:10:41,340 So he came back, and he walked in like that. 138 00:10:42,920 --> 00:10:44,320 Or maybe like that. No, it was like that. 139 00:10:46,120 --> 00:10:49,400 And all his hair was standing up like that, and his eyes were staring like 140 00:10:50,100 --> 00:10:53,860 And all he turned right over on his back, and his legs up there, and his 141 00:10:53,860 --> 00:10:54,860 stiff as a poker. 142 00:10:55,300 --> 00:10:59,240 That's right, that's right. And she thought, she thought, the pie must be 143 00:10:59,240 --> 00:11:04,000 poisonous. And so she thought, her husband's eaten the pie, so I must ring 144 00:11:04,000 --> 00:11:08,500 office. So she rang the office, didn't she? And they put it out on the tenor. 145 00:11:08,780 --> 00:11:11,880 But it was too late because he'd already eaten the pie. 146 00:11:12,510 --> 00:11:16,410 So they had to take him off to the hospital. And he had the oxygen tents 147 00:11:16,410 --> 00:11:18,650 had the stomach pumps and he had the injections. 148 00:11:19,150 --> 00:11:22,010 And all the time his wife's sitting at home and she's getting wide. 149 00:11:22,290 --> 00:11:24,190 She's in a panic. Her bottle's gone. 150 00:11:24,470 --> 00:11:29,550 She thinks to herself... She thinks to herself, what's happened to the old man? 151 00:11:29,670 --> 00:11:33,750 And then suddenly the milkman arrives, doesn't he? And the milkman says, how's 152 00:11:33,750 --> 00:11:34,709 the cat? 153 00:11:34,710 --> 00:11:37,370 And the wife says, how did you know about the cat? 154 00:11:37,610 --> 00:11:40,270 And the milkman said, half an hour ago I knocked him down with a milk cart. 155 00:13:03,120 --> 00:13:06,720 a photograph of that wonderful escapeologist who did he? 156 00:13:09,060 --> 00:13:10,060 He's gone away again. 157 00:13:13,580 --> 00:13:14,580 Thank you. 158 00:13:14,740 --> 00:13:15,740 Thank you. 159 00:13:16,500 --> 00:13:17,500 Thank you very much. 160 00:13:22,200 --> 00:13:23,200 Sorry. 161 00:13:30,020 --> 00:13:32,400 And now, ladies and gentlemen, I... I'd like to do something now that's a little 162 00:13:32,400 --> 00:13:33,400 bit dramatic. 163 00:13:34,040 --> 00:13:37,520 In which I do a one -man play with two parts of it. 164 00:13:39,280 --> 00:13:42,440 And I'll show you both Simmer Stainsley on the project at the same time. 165 00:13:45,640 --> 00:13:48,380 Now, I want you to imagine the scene. 166 00:13:49,120 --> 00:13:53,180 It's a prisoner of war camp outside a village called Cisselslush. 167 00:13:54,000 --> 00:13:55,000 Cisselslush. 168 00:13:55,980 --> 00:13:57,140 Cisselslush. Slush and slush. 169 00:13:57,720 --> 00:13:58,720 Berlin. 170 00:14:01,320 --> 00:14:04,500 And the time is 1940, or 20 to 8. 171 00:14:09,680 --> 00:14:14,580 And the leader of the escape committee is Brigadier Fonagoo Smite. 172 00:14:34,220 --> 00:14:38,100 sent for by that brutal, concomitant Fritz von Spada. 173 00:14:49,120 --> 00:14:53,880 So, Brigadier, you're wondering why I sent for you? 174 00:15:05,680 --> 00:15:08,320 Three hundred and seventy prisoners escaped from the camp. 175 00:15:08,880 --> 00:15:10,900 How does you account for this? 176 00:15:12,080 --> 00:15:13,300 You left the front gate open. 177 00:15:19,900 --> 00:15:21,080 Lies, old lies! 178 00:15:26,500 --> 00:15:29,800 They smuggled themselves out in the laundry baskets. 179 00:15:31,100 --> 00:15:32,260 How do you file that out? 180 00:15:32,600 --> 00:15:34,200 You'll never see them again, I'll tell you that. 181 00:15:34,600 --> 00:15:35,600 I know that laundry. 182 00:15:41,020 --> 00:15:42,340 Here is the list. 183 00:15:44,640 --> 00:15:48,440 Two beds, four shirts, and 370 bristles. 184 00:15:54,100 --> 00:15:57,080 And when they are caught, they will be shot. 185 00:15:58,220 --> 00:15:59,220 Oh, no, they won't. 186 00:15:59,960 --> 00:16:00,980 Yes, they will. 187 00:16:01,540 --> 00:16:03,540 Oh, no, they won't. Yes, they will. 188 00:16:06,380 --> 00:16:09,520 Everyone will be shot one by one because... 189 00:16:46,380 --> 00:16:47,380 Don't know. 190 00:17:28,109 --> 00:17:32,590 She was sitting on top of Waterloo Bridge, dangling her feet in the water. 191 00:17:37,750 --> 00:17:39,210 She cocked one eye at me. 192 00:17:43,170 --> 00:17:44,790 And I cocked one eye at her. 193 00:17:45,990 --> 00:17:47,550 And there we stood together, cocking. 194 00:17:53,610 --> 00:17:56,910 And she had most unusual lips. 195 00:17:58,160 --> 00:17:59,160 Both on top. 196 00:18:03,980 --> 00:18:07,280 And long, blonde, wavy hair all down her back. 197 00:18:08,040 --> 00:18:09,040 None on her head. 198 00:18:17,500 --> 00:18:22,040 As she had a very cute little button nose. 199 00:18:23,580 --> 00:18:24,580 Very cute. 200 00:18:24,680 --> 00:18:25,860 I always liked the way it turned up. 201 00:18:27,280 --> 00:18:28,280 Then down. 202 00:18:29,720 --> 00:18:30,720 Then sideways. 203 00:18:35,540 --> 00:18:36,760 But I loved her. 204 00:18:37,300 --> 00:18:39,600 And we had some wonderful, happy times together. 205 00:18:40,740 --> 00:18:41,940 We used to go on the beach. 206 00:18:42,660 --> 00:18:43,900 She gave me a wave. 207 00:18:45,160 --> 00:18:46,600 I've still got her home in the back. 208 00:18:51,060 --> 00:18:52,500 We used to go on the sands. 209 00:18:53,180 --> 00:18:54,560 Play little games together. 210 00:18:56,970 --> 00:19:01,350 She used to bury me into the sand. 211 00:19:02,370 --> 00:19:03,830 And I buried her in the sand. 212 00:19:04,750 --> 00:19:08,110 And one of these days, I'm going to go back and dig her out. 213 00:19:13,230 --> 00:19:15,070 And then she said she was hungry. 214 00:19:16,190 --> 00:19:17,690 So I bought her a stick of rock. 215 00:19:19,890 --> 00:19:20,890 And she bit it. 216 00:19:21,790 --> 00:19:22,790 And she went... 217 00:19:25,510 --> 00:19:26,510 Wasn't quite so loud as that. 218 00:19:27,650 --> 00:19:32,150 It was more... And then she started to cry a bit. 219 00:19:38,030 --> 00:19:41,730 I said, what's the matter, love? She said, I broke my tooth. 220 00:19:42,810 --> 00:19:43,810 I said, don't worry. 221 00:19:43,830 --> 00:19:44,830 You've got one left. 222 00:19:54,600 --> 00:19:56,220 The way she stood up, she had bow legs. 223 00:20:00,340 --> 00:20:01,400 She used to walk like that. 224 00:20:02,940 --> 00:20:06,220 I said to her, why don't you learn to play the cello? 225 00:20:14,720 --> 00:20:20,160 So I said to myself, I'd take her and get some lovely tea for her. 226 00:20:22,080 --> 00:20:25,460 So I got the best set of... false teeth that money can buy. 227 00:20:26,400 --> 00:20:27,780 And they look beautiful. 228 00:20:29,080 --> 00:20:30,080 Beautiful! 229 00:20:31,540 --> 00:20:38,480 And then, after all that, the money 230 00:20:38,480 --> 00:20:44,140 I spent on her... I don't think I'll carry on. 231 00:20:46,780 --> 00:20:47,780 I'll try. 232 00:20:48,300 --> 00:20:50,500 All the money I spent on her, she left! 233 00:21:20,880 --> 00:21:27,260 towards me as he just stood there and laughed at me 234 00:21:27,260 --> 00:21:32,160 laughed at me with my own 235 00:22:40,750 --> 00:22:41,750 I'll change places. 236 00:22:42,510 --> 00:22:43,950 We'll slip it apart and go back again.